The Power of Empathy
Hugo Mujica, the Argentinian poet said: “Those who don't search, find; those who search, search for what they already know, therefore repeat themselves”. (translated from Spanish)
When we assume we know what someone else is going through and say it to them, that’s sympathy. And while sympathy is often meant to be kind, it can sometimes feel annoying - or even triggering.
Why? Because we’re guessing the other person’s experience.
We tend to think that sympathy is supportive. It feels like we’re standing with the other person in their pain or sadness. Of course, there are moments when sympathy feels good. When someone reflects what you are feeling accurately, it can meet a need for acceptance and belonging. However, if what they say doesn’t match how you actually feel, it can have the opposite effect.
For example, if I say to a friend who lost her job, “I know it’s painful to lose your job,” she might feel annoyed because while I determined that that’s how she feels, that's not her experience. And most of us don’t like being told how we feel or think. Do you?
However, if I truly want to understand someone, I choose empathy over sympathy.
Empathy means staying curious instead of assuming. It means checking in, not telling. In the form of a question.
For example: “Are you feeling angry about losing your job?” In this case, even if I was wrong about how she feels, it was only a guess and not an affirmation saying I know.
I find empathy a lot more effective and connecting.
With empathy:
I’m not imposing my interpretation, so I’m less likely to trigger resistance.
I stay present with the other person’s experience instead of projecting my own.
I remain open to discovering something I didn’t expect.
And that to me is the essence of Hugo’s words - if you already think you know what you’re looking for, you won’t discover anything new. But when you stay open to whatever comes, when you allow yourself to follow the other person into their experience without searching for something specific - you discover new things, what you didn’t expect.
Openness and curiosity (without an agenda) is where real connection happens on all realms.