A Magic Language?

The 5 modes - my initial experience with Nonviolent Communication

When I first started with NVC my initial reaction was “Great I will now learn a technique that will get me what I want. If I speak this new language I will know how to reach people’s minds and they will do what I want.” Who doesn’t want life to be easy? I was in Excitement mode. 

When I realized it wasn’t that, a second thought came to mind: “Oh no, I need to guess the other person’s needs and understand their point of view? I don’t want to do that. Because this means that I will have to do what they want. What about me? ” I was in Panic mode!

When this turned out to be false as well – it’s not about doing what somebody wants but rather being with the person and exploring their needs without having to agree with their actions or opinions - I started to have a sense of pressure to be right with my guesses. If I guessed a “correct” need I felt successful  but if the other person said “No that doesn’t resonate with me” I felt like a failure. Tension mode.  

With more practice, I relaxed enough to understand that it was not about that either, and started to enjoy the “wrong” guesses because they led me to the “right” guesses. They actually supported me with giving empathy. But then something else crept in – if you really want to support this person you have to guide them toward a solution, save them. Expectation mode.

Finally it clicked. It’s about Empathy, which is being with the person in their process with no agenda, only being there, listening without having to agree, to be right, to educate, to guide, or to save. It’s about listening and understanding through, guessing of needs and importantly following the person rather than directing them. Your presence in where the person is, their feelings their thoughts, their needs is what it is all about. When they feel heard and understood, then magic happens. Finally Magic mode.