How to calm our triggers down?

I once talked to a close friend on the phone. I was excited to tell him of some ideas I had for us to work together. I knew that he was studying for an important exam so I said, “I know you are busy so I will just tell you the highlights and we can discuss in a later time” and I went straight to telling him. I thought I was being thoughtful recognizing him being busy but his reaction surprised me. He cut me short and said “Stop, you are not focused”. This immediately triggered me. Not focused? I am very focused, plus I considered his time… I thought. I was very upset and the conversation ended badly.

The next day I sat down with myself to guess my needs and his needs in the situation. My needs were sharing, celebrating together the ideas and mainly connecting.

And his needs? I imagined that telling him even just in highlights made him distracted, made him start thinking about my ideas and not having a free mind to study for the exam.  So I was guessing that he was the one who was in need of focus, thoughtless mind. This realization put me more at ease. He indeed said that I was the one not focused but underneath that was his need for focus. It wasn’t about me.

Another thing I learned from that situation is that I did not ask him if it was ok for him that I would go ahead and tell him my ideas even in highlights. I assumed it was ok. If I had asked then he may have simply said, “no I need to focus, even highlights distract me” and that would have been it.